Saturday, June 6, 2009


Well M and I decided that we would go ahead and get married. I moved back out to be with him and plan our wedding. I did not want anything big or grand. There were so many times I talked with M about just going to the court house that day! But there were some people who would never forgive us if we did. They wanted us to have a celebration despite the circumstances. As the wedding date got closer and closer I just could not bring myself to plan the wedding. Eventually I called it off two weeks before. It wasn't to big of a deal because we still had not sent out invitations. This was very hard for M. During our engagement his true colors showed a little bit more and he was nothing like the man I wanted to raise my children. To be fair at the time I was nothing like the mother I wanted to raise my children either. Once again I moved home and went through my pregnancy with the help of my amazing family.

There were so many sleepless nights and tear filled days. I had no idea what I was going to do and desperately wanted to keep my baby. I loved him so much and didn't know what would be the best for him. M was still trying everything that he could to get me to marry him but I knew I could not do that to my child. I could not submit him to two parents who did not have a happy marriage.

Eventually through lots of struggle I decided to place my child for adoption. That was the hardest thing of my life. The night I decided on the adoptive parents I was happy and yet so down. I remember looking at their profile for hours that day. I kept reading it over and over. Finally I could not take it any more and at 10:00 at night I left the house to go on a walk. As I walked down the street I bawled and asked God why this woman got to raise my baby and I did not. It was a hard night but I knew that was what the Lord wanted me to do.

Telling my parents

Well I figure that I should finish the story of me finding out I was pregnant. The next morning was a Saturday and November 1st. My family had all gone out and left me to sleep in. I stayed in bed late into the morning and called my dear friend Ashley. She told me that some times there are misreadings if you don't do the test first thing in the morning and I should take the test again and call her after it was finished. I did it again praying with every thing I had in me that it would tell me the test I took the night before was wrong and this was not happening to me. The test read positive a second time and Ashley and her boyfriend came immediately to pick me up and take me to planned parenthood for a more official word.

Ashley and I sat in the waiting room and my whole body was numb. Growing up I would have NEVER imagined this happening to me. I was always a very good little girl. I have a very strong testimony of God and the gospel of Jesus Christ and never even thought to break any of the rules. People were always annoyed with me because I was so neurotic about doing the right thing. How in the world did I get myself in this situation I wondered. It felt like we were in the waiting room 5 hours before they called my name when in reality it was only 5 minutes.

I walked into the examination room and after the tests the nurse told me that I was in fact pregnant. There was no way I could doubt it after three tests confirmed it. Then what happened next is so hard to understand unless you have been in the same situation. The nurse asked me point blank, "Will we be terminating this pregnancy?" At that time I was in such a haze that everything that was said seemed to be coming from down a very long tunnel. When the nurse asked those words for a split second I thought about it. I am ashamed to admit it, but for a moment the possibility did cross my mind. However the next second I came to my senses and said "No". That was one of my greatest moments I believe. It's hard to describe but I am very proud that at that very moment, after I had made so many wrong decisions leading up to that point, I had the opportunity to cover it all up but I made the right decision and chose life. Little did I know the hard road that lay ahead, but I have never regretted my decision since and have never ONCE looked back. There is no way I would not give up having B in this world for anything! I love him and I am so grateful he is on this earth!

I went out and sat in the car with Ashley and her boyfriend. I was surprised by how calm I was. I think I had known all along and so I was not as shocked as I thought. Ashley told me I could cry if I wanted but I couldn't. I don't know why. I just couldn't. I didn't know what I was going to do next but I needed to figure it out. We went to DC and walked around Arlington cemetery. I think Ashley thought it would take my mind off things but "things" was all I could think about. After a long day of sight seeing I came home and went up to my room. I called M and told him what I had just found out.

When I told him what had happened he instantly thought I was lying to him. "There is no way this could be! You have to do more then what we did to have a baby. Plus my ex-girlfriend told me the exact same thing when I broke things off with her. She let it go on forever but she couldn't hide the truth for long."

"Why would I lie to you about this M?" I asked. "No, this is for real. Trust me."

"Well what are we going to do?" He asked

"I need to tell my parents and then we can either get married or place the baby for adoption."

"NO! Do not tell your parents. We don't need to do that yet. Things happen. Sometimes girls have miscarriages early on and then no one needs to know. Your parents don't need to know if we don't have to tell them"

I was pretty shocked by this and explained that I was going to tell my parents. I needed to see a doctor and I wanted this baby to get the care it needed. I wasn't going to just hope for a miscarriage. He asked me to at least wait to tell them until we had a plan and knew what we were going to do. I agreed and we hung up the phone.

The next day was sunday and I don't even remember what happened at church. My mind was in a different place praying and pleading to be able to know what I was going to do in this situation. All I wanted to do was the right thing but I had no idea what that was. It was torture knowing that I had this little secret. That night I decided that I needed to tell my parents. I walked into their room with the pregnancy tests behind my back. I was scared to death a. It was about 11 pm and my dad was asleep and my mother was in bed watching tv. Every light was out except for the glow of the TV screen.

"Mom," I said. "I have something I need to talk to you about."

She muted the TV and said, "Are you pregnant?"

Wow, that was easy. I didn't have to say anything and she already knew. She asked me if I was sure and I told her I had three pregnancy tests to prove it. She asked me what I was going to do and I told her "well I can either place the baby for adoption or M and I could get married." At that moment my father sat straight up. We filled him in on what he had missed and then nothing was said for a moment.

A few minutes later my father took me down stairs so he could talk to me alone. He expressed his love for me and how he wanted nothing but the best for me. He told me about his mother (who he loves more then anyone in this world) and her very hard life with his father. He wanted so much more for me then that. He hugged me and we cried and then I went to bed. I am so grateful for my amazing parents and their wonderful love and support. It is in the times of stress and crisis that you see the true character of a person. My parents are the best people I know and although I know I broke their hearts that night they offered me so much more support then I could have asked for.