Saturday, June 6, 2009

Adoption

Well M and I decided that we would go ahead and get married. I moved back out to be with him and plan our wedding. I did not want anything big or grand. There were so many times I talked with M about just going to the court house that day! But there were some people who would never forgive us if we did. They wanted us to have a celebration despite the circumstances. As the wedding date got closer and closer I just could not bring myself to plan the wedding. Eventually I called it off two weeks before. It wasn't to big of a deal because we still had not sent out invitations. This was very hard for M. During our engagement his true colors showed a little bit more and he was nothing like the man I wanted to raise my children. To be fair at the time I was nothing like the mother I wanted to raise my children either. Once again I moved home and went through my pregnancy with the help of my amazing family.

There were so many sleepless nights and tear filled days. I had no idea what I was going to do and desperately wanted to keep my baby. I loved him so much and didn't know what would be the best for him. M was still trying everything that he could to get me to marry him but I knew I could not do that to my child. I could not submit him to two parents who did not have a happy marriage.

Eventually through lots of struggle I decided to place my child for adoption. That was the hardest thing of my life. The night I decided on the adoptive parents I was happy and yet so down. I remember looking at their profile for hours that day. I kept reading it over and over. Finally I could not take it any more and at 10:00 at night I left the house to go on a walk. As I walked down the street I bawled and asked God why this woman got to raise my baby and I did not. It was a hard night but I knew that was what the Lord wanted me to do.

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