Thursday, February 24, 2011

Music is great!

As I was reading a fellow birth mother's blog she referenced this song to her feelings for her daughter. When I listened I thought "this is exactly what I hope for B!" I never want him to feel like he was unwanted or less then perfect because honestly I think he is the most perfect little boy alive. he is adorable, and sweet, and thoughtful, and says funny things (from what L tells me).

Anyway, listen to the words. The chorus is really what describes my feelings. (Sorry about the sketchy name of the song. that's PINK for you.)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Talking therapy

Myth: Ignoring my pain will make it go away

Myth: People do not want to hear about my sad story

Myth: Talking about it will only make things worse

Fact: Talking about your adoption with close friends helps you heal and deal with your grief.

I am a HUGE advocate of talking! You know when there is the feeling of having that huge elephant in the room? Yeah, I hate that. You sit there wondering but you just don't know how to ask. Or you want to share your adoption story or how you are feeling but you don't know how the other person will take it. So instead you sit there quietly feeling a bit sad about your unmet desire to share your burdens with another person.

In the last post by Meg, she mentioned that talking really helped her to heal. I AGREE! After I placed B, I talked with anyone who would listen and who I felt safe sharing my precious story with. I think that was a huge help! Talking to my close friends about my sweet little baby was kind of a cathartic therapy for me.

It brought that little baby who grew under my heart and who's heart beat was once in sync with mine but whom now I only knew from pictures to life. He was my greatest sense of joy and sharing stories about him kept me from having to box that joy up and put it on a dusty shelf. What a tragedy for those who feel they need to do that. That is the true loss.

This week I under went another dose of talking therapy and I feel my heart mended a little bit more. I was talking to my best friend of 15 years. Apparently I did not share my earth shattering moment from last December with her, so I filled her in. I did not hold back and she did not say a word. I told her about my grief and my fears. Then I told her about my realizations and my progress. What a blessing it is to have friends who just listen and love you. Thanks Cat!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Guest blogger - Meg

I placed my daughter 3 years ago. I remember that day very vividly still. I had B on December 4th, 2007 and our placement was on December 7th. Those few days I had with her are near and dear to my heart. But the day of the placement was a very emotional one. The mixture of things I was feeling is unexplainable. I was the happiest I had ever been and the saddest. I was anxious for time to pass but wanted it to slow down at the same time. I think the most grief I felt during the whole process was the day they let me out of the hospital to go to the placement. The grieving I was going through over this loss was almost unbearable that day. The next six weeks weren’t easy. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and to be honest I kind of let myself go. I didn’t want to go anywhere. EVERY little thing reminded me of my daughter. Eventually I started actually dealing with the grief, instead of hiding it. It took some intensive therapy but I started to really accept it. I knew that I had done the BEST I could do in this situation! But even with no regrets and knowing this was what was supposed to happen I still struggled greatly. My first Mother’s Day. Her first birthday. There were days when I broke down all over again. But as time passed it got easier. Time did start heal my wounds. But there will always be scars. But I felt like I could breathe again. I still think about my daughter everyday, but it’s less of sadness and more happiness. Every time I think about her I smile now.  She is happy. She has everything I ever wanted her to have. I have found that there are some things that keep me uplifted. I love talking about my story with other people. Because I know I felt like no one really got it. Like no one had ever been right where I was. Like no one had ever felt what I was feeling. But I was wrong. There are so many others out there. And learning that made all the difference.  Another thing that helped me was writing. I journaled and I wrote letters to my daughter. Even if they were ones I never sent it always felt like I had gotten it off my chest. And last, but of course not least, I prayed. I prayed like I have never prayed before for peace and strength. And Heavenly Father blessed me with those things. Through his atonement I have made myself whole again. I have not only been forgiven, but I have forgiven myself! And because I am blessed with the gospel in my life I know that I will see B again. We will stand side by side in heaven and I KNOW that she will thank me!

Sunday will come

Here is a little bit of Encouragement from an Apostle of Jesus Christ. As you feel that there is no way you can feel happy again, remember that it will get better.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Grief and healing

Every birth mother places her child for adoption for their own unique reasons. Some may be the same as other women and others are completely different. No matter what those reasons are Birth mothers all feel pain. Every birth mother has to go through her own grief and healing process. The reasons that I placed B for adoption were things I clung to as my heart healed and mended. After placement I would pour over the tear stained photo album every single day looking at his picture with his new Daddy and his new Mommy.

After coming home from the hospital my arms literally ached to hold him.

They didn't hurt until the moment they weren't holding him anymore. My body knew I had a baby but didn't understand why he wasn't there. So in addition to the emotional pain, the physical pain was right along with it to remind me of my loss.

I was very lucky to have an overwhelming amount of love and support shown to me before and after B's placement by my friends and family. It helped a little, but there were still many times I felt my reason for living was gone. This was the best option for him although it was probably the hardest option for me. The reasons I placed him and the love I have for him were two of the biggest motivators as I began my grieving process.

I tried to be as strong as I could and eventually I felt that the days I cried became fewer then the days I didn't. The heartache I felt began to dull and I was able to move forward. I don't think it is possible to "move on" from placing your baby. That little person will always be a part of your heart. But it is healthy to move forward. 6 1/2 years later I felt that I had healed quite well. I still had hard days and I still cried when I missed him. But I was happy and was actively living my life as well as doing what I could to help other birth mothers heal.

Then a few months ago I felt as if my foundation had been kicked out from under me. One of the biggest reasons I placed B for adoption was because I wanted him to have two parents who were married and had a stable relationship. I also wanted him to have a father who would teach my son the values I wanted him to have. I wanted him to be honest and have integrity. I wanted him to be kind and charitable. M and I were originally engaged and I still remember the moment I realized that M would not be the type of role model I wanted for B. I remember sitting in shock as I listened to M describe his actions in an interaction he had that I completely disagreed with. It was a turning point in my decision making process where I realized I did not believe the man I was going to marry would be the type of role model I wanted for my children. Not too long after that our engagement was broken and I was lead to choose adoption. I hoped it was the right decision and went forward with faith.

A few months ago M randomly contacted me. It was a brief interaction but it sent my world spinning. M seemed to be VERY different from his 23 year old self I knew 7 years ago. It made me question all the reasons I placed B for adoption. Could I have married M? Would he have been a good father? Is he really as wonderful as people describe? Could we have made it work? Did I have to give away my baby? For the first time in my life I thought it was a possibility I had made the wrong decision. One of my worst fears might be true. That night I could not control my tears as I felt the hole in my heart that I had so carefully mended was torn open once again.

Eventually I stopped crying and I realized that the experience M had with B's adoption was probably something that shaped him and taught him to be the kind of man he is now (I am very happy for him). However, with my original reasons for adoption stripped away I had to find new meaning and reasons for my choice. I had to start that healing process all over again.

For the month of February I am going to talk a little bit more about grief and the healing process. I hope to have other birth moms write about their healing experiences as well. As I begin my journey of new healing I hope you can follow with me and find some healing of your own.