Sunday, February 13, 2011

Guest blogger - Meg

I placed my daughter 3 years ago. I remember that day very vividly still. I had B on December 4th, 2007 and our placement was on December 7th. Those few days I had with her are near and dear to my heart. But the day of the placement was a very emotional one. The mixture of things I was feeling is unexplainable. I was the happiest I had ever been and the saddest. I was anxious for time to pass but wanted it to slow down at the same time. I think the most grief I felt during the whole process was the day they let me out of the hospital to go to the placement. The grieving I was going through over this loss was almost unbearable that day. The next six weeks weren’t easy. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and to be honest I kind of let myself go. I didn’t want to go anywhere. EVERY little thing reminded me of my daughter. Eventually I started actually dealing with the grief, instead of hiding it. It took some intensive therapy but I started to really accept it. I knew that I had done the BEST I could do in this situation! But even with no regrets and knowing this was what was supposed to happen I still struggled greatly. My first Mother’s Day. Her first birthday. There were days when I broke down all over again. But as time passed it got easier. Time did start heal my wounds. But there will always be scars. But I felt like I could breathe again. I still think about my daughter everyday, but it’s less of sadness and more happiness. Every time I think about her I smile now.  She is happy. She has everything I ever wanted her to have. I have found that there are some things that keep me uplifted. I love talking about my story with other people. Because I know I felt like no one really got it. Like no one had ever been right where I was. Like no one had ever felt what I was feeling. But I was wrong. There are so many others out there. And learning that made all the difference.  Another thing that helped me was writing. I journaled and I wrote letters to my daughter. Even if they were ones I never sent it always felt like I had gotten it off my chest. And last, but of course not least, I prayed. I prayed like I have never prayed before for peace and strength. And Heavenly Father blessed me with those things. Through his atonement I have made myself whole again. I have not only been forgiven, but I have forgiven myself! And because I am blessed with the gospel in my life I know that I will see B again. We will stand side by side in heaven and I KNOW that she will thank me!

No comments: