Tuesday, March 29, 2011

So much to carry!

I am on a bus to TN. We've been driving for 6 hours with about three more to go. So what better thing to do then blog? Right? I've been thinking a lot about how I felt when I found out I was pregnant. I am also thinking about a few of the young girls I know who currently have been finding out they are pregnant. My heart goes out to them. I mentioned in my last post the sisterhood of birth mothers and the instant love we feel for one another, but I also feel an instant love for those just finding out about their pregnancy and beginning their journey of choices. I dont think any unwed teenaged mother fully understands the emotional rollercoaster of a ride she is in for.

I remember when I first found out it didn't seem real. Sure I had missed my period, but there was no other indication I was pregnant. I wasnt sick, I wasnt showing, and I wasnt planning for this. I was unusually calm. I knew it was true but the reality of the situation hadn't quite set in. It wasnt until my mother asked me a question after I told her the news that it set in. "So what are you going to do?" I quickly gave her a few undeveloped thoughts only later to think "what AM I going to do?" I was 18 years old and graduated from high school. I had somethings going for me, but I didn't have a job. I didn't have a college degree, or a place to live, or even a ROOM of my own.

It was amazing to me how many people "knew" what the right thing was for my baby and how willing they were to tell me what I should do. I was overwhelmed with the judgements and the opinions. I felt torn between my family and my.....my....kind of boyfriend?. I also was weighed down but the new responsibility of caring for a new human being. Just a few months before, my biggest concern was what nail poslish to wear to graduation and if the boy who sat next to me liked me. Now it was getting enough sleep and nutrients for my baby. All of a sudden life was no longer about me. It was about giving my baby everything he needed.

What a weight it is to carry so young. It isnt until you have children of your own that you realize, you dont know everything and your parents were right about eatting those veggies. I completely understand the stress it is to be so young and have so much responsibility. It is so important to have someone to talk to and someone who will support you. The last thing a girl needs is judgement. The most important thing she needs is love and acceptance.

Although adoption isn't the answer for everyone, I am grateful for it in my life. When I honestly looked at it. And I mean HONESTLY. It was the way I was able to give my son everything I have ever wanted for him. It is not an easy thing do do. Adoption is not for the weak. I love my litte boy and still seven years after his birth would give my life for him. It warms my heart to see his smiles. Although it was the hardest choice for me it was the best choice for him.
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1 comment:

Julie Marie Winans said...

The more I learn about you and your life I get more impressed with your faith and loyalty. I was in the same situation as you were with both my children, but I could not be as brave as you were. We struggled, but it was my choice to keep them even though my family wanted me to give them up. I am thankful for all the blessings and joy they bring to me on a daily basis. I truly admire you for your decision and it makes my heart expand in love for you for making such a decision. You are truly an amazing woman of faith!