Tuesday, May 31, 2011

One of the forgotten mothers

I love reading Stephanie's blog about being a birth mother. (Stephanie, I will miss you in the blogging world!) In one of her posts she had a link this article about birth mothers on mothers day. I remember reading through the post and fully intending to click on the article but never got around to it. Now that mother's day is almost a month past, I finally pulled it up. It talks about the forgotten mothers on mothers day. The ones who don't receive flowers or burnt pancakes for breakfast that day.

As I read the short article I kept thinking about how I never imagined myself to be one of those mothers. I never imagined myself having to spend mothers day watching other mothers receive the hand made cards and macaroni necklaces. I always thought I would be there for all of my children's firsts....and seconds....and thirds for that matter. But really who ever imagines themselves as a birth mother? 

Although I never imagined myself to have the title of birth mother, it is mine and I love it. It is a title I hold close to my heart and was given to me because of sweet little B. Because of that title, he is my motivation to accomplish great things in my life. I want to be some one B is proud to call his birth mother. Every thing good that I have accomplished in my life is because one day if B wants to have more of a relationship with me, or even if he just asks his mom to tell him stories about me, I want him to be able to be happy about what he learns. I want him to know that he comes from strong people who pick themselves up when they have fallen. People who are not afraid of a challenge.

I never imagined myself being a birth mother, but because I am B's birth mother, I do my best to leave others better then I found them. Because I am B's birth mother, I am getting the most education I possibly can. Even when it is hard. Because I am B's birth mother, when I am faced with a choice between wrong and right I ask myself, what would make B proud to call me his birth mother? I hope one day he will know of the impact he has had on my life and the lives of so many who he doesn't even know. He is the inspiration for good in my life and any others that I can reach. He is a pretty great kid and so I am trying to be the kind of birth mother he deserves to match.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mother's Day

After seven mother's days I have learned that I never know what the day is going to hold for me. There have been some mother's days where I could barely handle getting through the day and couldn't seem to shake the thoughts of my own motherhood given up. And then there have been some when I don't understand why people seem so concerned about me because the day was about my own mother and how grateful I am for her.

This year was good. I went to church ready to hear talks filled with how grateful people are for their mothers and how much they LOVE being a mother themselves. I didn't need to practice the I am happy and unaffected by what is being said act because I have that one down pat. I wore my cutest outfit like I always do, put on my birthstone necklace B's parents gave me at placement like I always do, and prepared to put on a show like I always do. I showed up and to my surprise the talks were about family history. The primary children got up to sing (which usually is something that makes the waterworks start for me) and they sang I am a Child of God rather then Mother Dear. I went to Sunday school and we talked about parables. I went to Relief society and we talked about honesty. It wasn't until the end of the meetings that the bishop came in with the mother's day gifts and talked about how grateful he was for the women of the church. Not mothers but the women. I turned to a sister sitting next to me and expressed how grateful I was that they did not make this day about mothers. She agreed.

But as the day progressed I started to think more and more about B and how much I missed him. I got antsier and antsier. I tried to keep busy thinking that would keep my mind off of the day. I went to a dear friend's house and had dinner with that friend, her six boys, my mother, and my sisters. I needed that. It was nice to have the hugs and attention from boys that I love and make me happy.

Later that night I got a text from B's Adoptive mother with pictures and videos of him and it made my day! It completely got rid of the struggle I had been fighting to keep my self from crying and I now could not stop smiling. I sure love that little boy and it makes me happy to see him. I am grateful for my own mother and what a wonderful support she is to me.

Some time's when I am answering ask a birth mother questions I talk about some of what it means to be a mother. Being a mother means you love someone more then your self. You begin to put the needs of another human being above your own wants and desires. You are called to do what is best for your child and provide them with the best life that you can. That is what I did for little B. I gave him the best life and parents that I possibly could at the time. I am so grateful for his wonderful Mother. I don't think there is a better person I could have chosen to be B's mom. I love her and look up to her very much. She loves her children and gives them the all love and security they need. She teaches them to be better people and has helped them to become wonderful kids. She creates a happy and healthy home for B and makes sure he knows just how much he is loved. I love you L. Thank you for being such a good example to me of what kind of mother I want to be.