Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Pictures with Meg

When Meg and I got together in August it was kind of a big deal. It was the first time we had ever really spent time together and it was great! I already knew that I liked Meg, but our communication had been limited to emails, texts, and facebook. It was fantastic to spend four whole days together. We talked a ton about our two little loves! It was so much fun to hear all she had to say about B. I LOVE telling people our children are siblings. She is a doll! When we were at the conference we decided to hire Blue Bird Photography to take our picture. Did you ever show up to high school and realized you totally forgot it was picture day? It's the most important day of the whole year and it just happened to be the day you slept in, wore a t-shirt, and discovered your latest pimple. Yeah, that's how I felt. I'm not looking for pitty, it just is what it is. However Bree our photographer did a fantastic job. Here are a few of the final results:

I love this girl!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Ode to B's birth father

I should be studying about phycho dynamic therapy techniques right now, but I think my brain has had about enough. And I am starting to feel a little like........Well, a little like this:

I have decided to take a break and share with you a little tid bit I have been thinking about a lot lately. It has to do with M. M is B's birth father. It has taken me a few weeks to get this post finished. One, because I am a little busy with life but also because it's hard for me to talk about him.

He is one subject I am reserved and careful about when it comes to my adoption. There are a few reasons for that, but the biggest one is I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I also want to respect his privacy. As I get older, however, I am starting to see my own shortcomings in our situation more clearly. I used to envy girls who's Birth Father's were not involved. When they would describe their situation I used to think, "Man! You don't know how easy you had it!" M was involved to say the least. I have realized that this thinking was all about what was good for me and not what was good for M and B. I am proud to say, I no longer have absent birth father envy. I will explain why, but first I feel the need to give a little back ground. It's a bit long......So go grab a snack...actually make that two, and get comfy.

M is a great guy. He and I were raised in two very different homes and I felt we had different ideas of appropriateness (I will say I was a bit...uptight). Nonetheless, he was my best friend. I felt like he knew me better then anyone. Our friendship/relationship was addicting to me. During my pregnancy M and I wanted different things. He wanted to get married and I....well, I didn't. There was a lot of stress on both of us and words were said and things were done that hurt each party. I can't imagine the helplessness M felt as he went though this experience. I probably don't have to mention the tension there was between M and my parents. They could be in the same room and be civil but let's just say they didn't plan any camping trips together.

I felt extremely torn between my family and the father of my child. This all started before I chose adoption. M got upset when I talked to my family and my family got upset when I talked to M. Sometimes I just wanted to take my little baby inside me and run away to a deserted island to escape the tension and pressure I felt. When things got too tough, I would fantasize about living in a small cabin in the backwoods with a little gray kitten I could cuddle when I got sad. I had an old lady as my neighbor and she would help take care of me through my pregnancy and the birth. And we all lived happily ever.

Back to my new and improved out look on the situation. I was jealous of M. As my pregnancy developed and the pressure built sometimes I wished I was the only decision maker in the process. I tried to consider M's feelings but I thought it would be easier for me if it was just me. I wanted to be the only one C and L loved and were grateful for. I wanted to be the only one B thought of. After all, it was MY decision to chose adoption. Oh the selfish girl I was. Let's be honest, I still can be selfish. My heart hurts when I think about how short sighted I was in regards to M's feelings. The more I talk to other birth mothers and the more we swap baby-daddy stories, the more my eyes are opened.

I am now so grateful for M! I've realized what a blessing it is that B not only knows that his birth mother loves him and thinks about him all the time, but he knows his birth father does the same. B will never have to struggle wondering where his birth father is and why he has never heard from him. He wont have to wonder why M didn't want to have anything to do with him, because M wanted everything to do with him. Last summer M went to a sports game of B's and it made my heart happy to hear. I know how much it meant to M and I am so glad one day B will know that M cared enough to be there. I didn't want B to have to go with out anything. And now thanks to M, and C and L of course, he doesn't. He has both of his parents and both of his birth parents praying for him and cheering him on in the back ground. I am grateful M is so involved in B's life. It has nothing to do with me but everything to do with B. What a blessing this insight is.

Dear M,
      Thank you for being such a good man. Thank you for loving B. Thank you for giving him the wonderful gift of life. Thank you for finding him his family. I can't tell you how sorry I am for the hell I put you through and the selfish things I could do and say. I am going to be better. I am so glad things turned out the way they have. You are a good man Charlie Brown. Thank you for being so determined and not getting discouraged and quitting when it mattered most.

With Gratitude,

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Big changes for Ben

Last Tuesday I called to check in on a dear friend of mine. We will call him Ben. I had a 4 hour drive to make and as is customary for me, I began calling the friends to keep me company during my drive.  (No worries fellow drivers. It was all hands free). I started with a friend whom I haven't heard from in a while to make sure he had made it through the earthquake ok.

I expected him to let it ring to his voicemail like he normally does. Those expectations were not disappointed. I left a quick message, Hung up, and said another name for my little blue tooth to call. After a few phone conversations I had the thought to call him again. I did, and he answered. He said he was fine and had been ignoring all my calls for the last while because he had some shocking news he wanted to tell me.

Me: Are you engaged?
Ben: No.
Me: Then what other shocking news can there be?
Ben: I am going to be a father.
Me: That's Exc....well how do you feel about that?
Ben: I'm scared.
Me: Then I'm scared for you.
Ben: Thanks

Our conversation continued but we couldn't talk very long. I was getting emotional and he was working and trying to talk in code. Why was I getting emotional? I am sorry to say I was being selfish. I was thinking about how this new development affected me and my relationship with Ben. After I hung up the phone I was able to knock some sense into myself. "Deborah," I thought. "This has nothing to do with you AAAAND it doesn't matter what you think or feel about it. it only matters how Ben feels"

I was reminded of when I found out I was pregnant and the reactions of my family and friends as I told them the news. What I needed most at that time was love, compassion, and support. I already knew I had made poor choices. I already knew I was in a hard position and I understood the impact that my choices had made on myself and the new little baby growing inside of me. I learned through out the experience the impact it had on others and I realize they needed to deal with it in their own ways. And some times that way was expressing their hurt to me. But I felt disappointment in myself enough for everyone. I was scared and confused and I almost couldn't handle dealing with people's anger or negative feelings. The people I remember the most were the ones who rallied around me during this time and didn't make me feel guilty or poor about myself. The one's who loved me anyway. My heart still is full of gratitude and my tears still come when I think of the amazing service that was to me. They do not even understand the impact it had. The love they gave was a healing balm to my broken heart. 

Support from friends and family during this time is crucial for Ben. I can't imagine having to carry this heavy burden alone. I want so badly to be able to help support him through this experience but because of the circumstances the only support I can give him is through my prayers. When I think about the hard decisions he is facing and the challenges that will come in his specific circumstance, my heart breaks for him. I wish there was a way I could fix it. I know he will be a great father! (Adoption is not an option for him. As the birth father all to often you don't have much say in the matter)

     My heart really goes out to you during this experience. As we have talked you have expressed some concerns and feelings to me and I understand. I understand that you are scared and confused right now. What a loop that has been thrown into this roller coaster we call life. It is ok to feel the way you are feeling right now. Strong men cry too and that is ok. I wouldn't be surprised if you feel a little angry right now. Just remember to let your self feel.
     As one of your best friends and some one who knows you very well, I know that some times you aren't able to focus on anything but the mistakes and struggles in your life. There is a rough road ahead for you but I know that you will make it through on top. I have always admired your kind heart. You have the most charity of any one I know. I appreciate how you always try to do the right thing and think of others before yourself. You have many strengths and talents that I know will only be strengthened through this experience.
    After our first conversation I could only think about the hurt, confusion, heartbreak, and fear you must be feeling. Then Stand by Rascal Flatts came on the radio. I know you hate Country (It's ok. None of us are perfect.) but try to endure it long enough to listen to the message. ;) And Friend, when you get discouraged through this life long experience you are stepping into, just remember that you can do hard things!

With Love,
Your Friend