Thursday, September 1, 2011

Big changes for Ben

Last Tuesday I called to check in on a dear friend of mine. We will call him Ben. I had a 4 hour drive to make and as is customary for me, I began calling the friends to keep me company during my drive.  (No worries fellow drivers. It was all hands free). I started with a friend whom I haven't heard from in a while to make sure he had made it through the earthquake ok.

I expected him to let it ring to his voicemail like he normally does. Those expectations were not disappointed. I left a quick message, Hung up, and said another name for my little blue tooth to call. After a few phone conversations I had the thought to call him again. I did, and he answered. He said he was fine and had been ignoring all my calls for the last while because he had some shocking news he wanted to tell me.

Me: Are you engaged?
Ben: No.
Me: Then what other shocking news can there be?
Ben: I am going to be a father.
Me: That's Exc....well how do you feel about that?
Ben: I'm scared.
Me: Then I'm scared for you.
Ben: Thanks

Our conversation continued but we couldn't talk very long. I was getting emotional and he was working and trying to talk in code. Why was I getting emotional? I am sorry to say I was being selfish. I was thinking about how this new development affected me and my relationship with Ben. After I hung up the phone I was able to knock some sense into myself. "Deborah," I thought. "This has nothing to do with you AAAAND it doesn't matter what you think or feel about it. it only matters how Ben feels"

I was reminded of when I found out I was pregnant and the reactions of my family and friends as I told them the news. What I needed most at that time was love, compassion, and support. I already knew I had made poor choices. I already knew I was in a hard position and I understood the impact that my choices had made on myself and the new little baby growing inside of me. I learned through out the experience the impact it had on others and I realize they needed to deal with it in their own ways. And some times that way was expressing their hurt to me. But I felt disappointment in myself enough for everyone. I was scared and confused and I almost couldn't handle dealing with people's anger or negative feelings. The people I remember the most were the ones who rallied around me during this time and didn't make me feel guilty or poor about myself. The one's who loved me anyway. My heart still is full of gratitude and my tears still come when I think of the amazing service that was to me. They do not even understand the impact it had. The love they gave was a healing balm to my broken heart. 

Support from friends and family during this time is crucial for Ben. I can't imagine having to carry this heavy burden alone. I want so badly to be able to help support him through this experience but because of the circumstances the only support I can give him is through my prayers. When I think about the hard decisions he is facing and the challenges that will come in his specific circumstance, my heart breaks for him. I wish there was a way I could fix it. I know he will be a great father! (Adoption is not an option for him. As the birth father all to often you don't have much say in the matter)

     My heart really goes out to you during this experience. As we have talked you have expressed some concerns and feelings to me and I understand. I understand that you are scared and confused right now. What a loop that has been thrown into this roller coaster we call life. It is ok to feel the way you are feeling right now. Strong men cry too and that is ok. I wouldn't be surprised if you feel a little angry right now. Just remember to let your self feel.
     As one of your best friends and some one who knows you very well, I know that some times you aren't able to focus on anything but the mistakes and struggles in your life. There is a rough road ahead for you but I know that you will make it through on top. I have always admired your kind heart. You have the most charity of any one I know. I appreciate how you always try to do the right thing and think of others before yourself. You have many strengths and talents that I know will only be strengthened through this experience.
    After our first conversation I could only think about the hurt, confusion, heartbreak, and fear you must be feeling. Then Stand by Rascal Flatts came on the radio. I know you hate Country (It's ok. None of us are perfect.) but try to endure it long enough to listen to the message. ;) And Friend, when you get discouraged through this life long experience you are stepping into, just remember that you can do hard things!

With Love,
Your Friend

1 comment:

Rey And Dianna said...

Thanks for using your blog to share your story as a birth mother. Birth parents are amazing, amazing people!!