I should be studying about phycho dynamic therapy techniques right now, but I think my brain has had about enough. And I am starting to feel a little like........Well, a little like this:
I have decided to take a break and share with you a little tid bit I have been thinking about a lot lately. It has to do with M. M is B's birth father. It has taken me a few weeks to get this post finished. One, because I am a little busy with life but also because it's hard for me to talk about him.
He is one subject I am reserved and careful about when it comes to my adoption. There are a few reasons for that, but the biggest one is I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I also want to respect his privacy. As I get older, however, I am starting to see my own shortcomings in our situation more clearly. I used to envy girls who's Birth Father's were not involved. When they would describe their situation I used to think, "Man! You don't know how easy you had it!" M was involved to say the least. I have realized that this thinking was all about what was good for me and not what was good for M and B. I am proud to say, I no longer have absent birth father envy. I will explain why, but first I feel the need to give a little back ground. It's a bit long......So go grab a snack...actually make that two, and get comfy.
M is a great guy. He and I were raised in two very different homes and I felt we had different ideas of appropriateness (I will say I was a bit...uptight). Nonetheless, he was my best friend. I felt like he knew me better then anyone. Our friendship/relationship was addicting to me. During my pregnancy M and I wanted different things. He wanted to get married and I....well, I didn't. There was a lot of stress on both of us and words were said and things were done that hurt each party. I can't imagine the helplessness M felt as he went though this experience. I probably don't have to mention the tension there was between M and my parents. They could be in the same room and be civil but let's just say they didn't plan any camping trips together.
I felt extremely torn between my family and the father of my child. This all started before I chose adoption. M got upset when I talked to my family and my family got upset when I talked to M. Sometimes I just wanted to take my little baby inside me and run away to a deserted island to escape the tension and pressure I felt. When things got too tough, I would fantasize about living in a small cabin in the backwoods with a little gray kitten I could cuddle when I got sad. I had an old lady as my neighbor and she would help take care of me through my pregnancy and the birth. And we all lived happily ever.
Back to my new and improved out look on the situation. I was jealous of M. As my pregnancy developed and the pressure built sometimes I wished I was the only decision maker in the process. I tried to consider M's feelings but I thought it would be easier for me if it was just me. I wanted to be the only one C and L loved and were grateful for. I wanted to be the only one B thought of. After all, it was MY decision to chose adoption. Oh the selfish girl I was. Let's be honest, I still can be selfish. My heart hurts when I think about how short sighted I was in regards to M's feelings. The more I talk to other birth mothers and the more we swap baby-daddy stories, the more my eyes are opened.
I am now so grateful for M! I've realized what a blessing it is that B not only knows that his birth mother loves him and thinks about him all the time, but he knows his birth father does the same. B will never have to struggle wondering where his birth father is and why he has never heard from him. He wont have to wonder why M didn't want to have anything to do with him, because M wanted everything to do with him. Last summer M went to a sports game of B's and it made my heart happy to hear. I know how much it meant to M and I am so glad one day B will know that M cared enough to be there. I didn't want B to have to go with out anything. And now thanks to M, and C and L of course, he doesn't. He has both of his parents and both of his birth parents praying for him and cheering him on in the back ground. I am grateful M is so involved in B's life. It has nothing to do with me but everything to do with B. What a blessing this insight is.
Thank you for being such a good man. Thank you for loving B. Thank you for giving him the wonderful gift of life. Thank you for finding him his family. I can't tell you how sorry I am for the hell I put you through and the selfish things I could do and say. I am going to be better. I am so glad things turned out the way they have. You are a good man Charlie Brown. Thank you for being so determined and not getting discouraged and quitting when it mattered most.