Thursday, October 27, 2011

Scary Things About Adoption

As I mentioned in my post just below this one, I am a member on an open adoption bloggers group called Production, Not Reproduction. Every now and then they put out a new writing prompt for the bloggers to respond to. I think it is a great idea and can't believe that every time I got an email that was what I was supposed to do with it.

Here is the prompt:

Write about open adoption and being scared.

When I look back to when I was pregnant and considering adoption I cannot remember being scared about many things. I remember being sad, but not scared. One fear I had is something I constantly have to fight even now. It is the fear that B will not understand why I chose adoption and will resent me for placing him. I am scared that he won’t want to have anything to do with me when he is older. When I placed him, one of the things that gave me hope was that one day he would find me and I would be able to have some connection with him again.

Now I want to clarify, when I talk about wanting to have a relationship with him when he is older I do not mean that I would expect him to think of me as his mother. L is his mother and would never want to take that role away from her. And honestly I don’t know what kind of relationship I would expect to have with him, but I do want to know him and have him know me when he is older. I guess deep down inside when I placed I was hoping that I would not be saying good bye for forever. I think it’s one of the things that helped me cope. Who knows what will actually happen over the next ten or fifteen years, but the thought of him never wanting anything to do with me is terrifying and too much to bear at the moment. So I choose not to think about it.

Another fear that I have sometimes I tell myself is just a silly one. But I am scared that B’s parents won’t like me. It didn’t really scare me when I first placed him because we were all too involved with the love and connection we felt for one another when I placed B. But now I do worry about that. Some of you may say, Deborah that is silly. Like you? They Love you! To that I say, “I agree. I do know they love me and are very grateful for me. But there is a difference between loving someone and actually liking them. I like to think that I am a pretty confident person. If there is some one that doesn’t particularly care for me -I know what you’re thinking, but it does happen. Even to me! ;) - I digress. If there is someone who doesn’t particularly care for me I don’t let it tear me up. I may fume about it for a day or two, but usually no sleep is lost. However, C and L are two of the few people who’s opinion really and truly matter to me. Because I live across the country we don’t have an opportunity to interact very much and so they only know me through emails, face book, and my blogs, but it still sometimes scares me that at some point they may not like me (even though I know they will always love me). I love and care about both C and L a lot and I really do like them.

There is one last thing that scares me sometimes about adoption. Adoption is kind of like a dance between the birth parents and adoptive parents where we take turns leading. When a birth mother is deciding to place and choosing a family she is leading the dance. There can be a lot of anxiety and fear on the adoptive parent’s side because at any point before the placement is final she may change her mind and ask for her baby back. I can only imagine that would be devastating to the adoptive couple and so they kind of follow her lead. Then, after placement the adoptive parents take their turn at leading the dance. It is up to them how much contact there is between the birthmother, child, and adoptive family. It is up to them how open the relationship is. Yes, they may have settled on an agreement before placement, but ultimately it is up to them after placement is over. So that can make a birth mother anxious. I know that if C and L ever decided they needed to stop communication and close our adoption it would be because it was the best thing for their family and it would not be a decision that was made lightly. I know that if that happened I would be ok. But I also know it would still hurt and there is a little tiny part of me deep down inside that is scared. But I think it just comes with the territory.

1 comment:

gstf344 said...

I am an adoptive parent and I loved reading your post! We have an open relationship with Annie, our son's birthmom and we are so blessed to have her in our lives. I also feel scared that sometimes she won't want to see us anymore and then what would we do. Its nice to read that sometimes all parts of the triad feel the same.